General Year in Review

Years ago, when martial arts movies used to come on channel 5 at 3pm on Saturdays, I saw this movie called Return to the 36 Chambers, where in a typical fashion a young man goes to Shaolin to learn the Martial Arts to avenge his family. However this man was definitely not ready to study so the monks refused to train him but put him to work cleaning and tending to the endless repairs of the gigantic temple that seemed to cover miles of land. While working he watched everyone training and imitated all of the moves that he saw in the temple. He would practice stances and elaborate moves while working on the roofs, and practice staff moves while kindling the fire for the ovens. After spending a long time there he decides to leave against the monk’s will, and in trying to get away he unwittingly goes through all of the chambers. He ended up mastering all of the difficulties of the chambers even though he didn’t know it and left the temple.

Although it may be a tenous connection, I tell this story because it seemed to be an accurate description of what the past year was like for me. I started out with high ambitions and glorious dreams of what I wanted to accomplish - what I was ready for, but I had no idea how much previous hurts, pains, inaccurate beliefs and plain old immaturity was holding me back. Amidst the backdrop of the endless parties, entertainments, costume changes, etc I found myself in the midst of the most difficult year of my life to date. From the beginning of the year with my close friend in a coma, family illnesses, to going through the rest of year taking on loads of responsibilities at work and in my personal life, I found myself going through lots of lessons where I had to rise to the occasion and forget about what I originally wanted and thought I needed. I didn’t learn the important things through a seminar, a book, a blog, a retreat, a series of meditations or a crazy sexual experience. The purging came through work, discipline, sacrifice and internal tears and discomfort. I had to purge a lot of past influences, concepts and actions that no longer served me. Rather, some of the things served me temporarily and kept my persona intact but it served the childish side of me – the side of me that didn’t trust life, the side that needed everything now because I thought I may not get what I really wanted, the cynical side that ‘knows everything’, the side of me that accepted what the mass collective consciousness says whether it was what my soul really wanted or not.

I learned how important it is to maintain personal integrity and trust for its own sake at a deeper level whether I feel like it or not. Feelings follow action, so even if I don’t necessarily feel like doing something, the more I do the right thing, the more I feel like doing the right thing. There is a payoff in working hard even amidst the social/collective consciousness background of many abundance teachers saying that you don’t have to work hard, all you have to do is say what you want to create, think positive and WHAMMO, instant happy life! I also learned that really giving of yourself beyond what is comfortable for you for the sake of others’ happiness fosters life giving to you whether it happens to be in that moment or not. It creates an atmosphere and environment of giving and being around people who are like that. When you approach life and all of your relationships with a “what about me?” looking after number one attitude , then you run into people who have that, and whoever is more skillful at getting what they want wins. Although I used to think that ‘everyone is responsible for themselves attitude’ is the common spiritual/enlightened attitude and its important in some ways to avoid manipulation and to respect personal boundaries, it can be dangerously close to being self-absorbed and acting in ways that have no honor, courage, responsibility, loyalty etc.

I don’t claim that everybody has to feel that way. These are my lessons and feelings, and my understanding of my destiny to date.

2007 was not a year I am disappointed to see leave. I am thankful for it because it was a year that I grew tremendously and healed a lot of fundamental wounds. Since I am looking forward to this year with more faith in life, and more love for myself, my partner, my friends and family, I know that ultimately it worked for my behalf. However, metaphorically speaking, I hope that this year I can learn what I need to learn sipping Coronas on a beach than hauling two barrels of water up a mile high flight of stairs!!